What can I say? It’s a gut thing!
I hope you’re all sitting down because I have a very big announcement to make. It’s been at least two decades in the making, but it’s only now I find the courage to come out of the closet. I am attracted to conservative Republicans! There, I’ve said it!
Oh, maybe I should clarify. I am only SEXUALLY attracted to them. Don’t worry my hippies. It’s just a physical thing. Ideologically, you still have my heart and soul. But sexually… well, during these Republican primaries, I have been so excited I can barely control myself. When they start ranting and raving about Christian values and job creators I get all sweaty with arousal.
That’s not the end of it. It turns out the more conservative and right wing they are, the more I‘m turned on. There are definitely a few Tea Party ladies I would love to stick it to. But I confess, it’s mainly the Tea Party men that get my juices flowing. I can’t explain it and I’ve given up trying. I’m just going to accept this fetish and embrace it. But really, who can deny the fact that all Tea Party men running for office are just plain hotties?
If you think I’m crazy, take Rick Santorum for example. In fact, Rick, if you should happen to be reading this, I’m writing it for you. You have stolen my… well, I can’t say “heart.” I was thinking of another organ.
Rick, I watch all your debates and speeches. You are a Greek God to me. The way you slip your jacket off… I hear the strains of The Stripper Song and I shiver in sexual anticipation. You’re probably too young to remember, but once you hear it, you’ll recognize it. When you roll up your sleeves and I get a look at your forearms, I immediately feel groinal twinges. When you loosen your tie, and unbutton the first button of your shirt, I imagine myself unbuttoning the rest of them and then ripping the damned thing off your amazing body!
The very thought of you stripping any further is almost too much to bear. But I have no self control and I continue to slowly undress you and as you get into the groove of your preach-speech, the more worked up you get, so do I. You can leave your hat on… but I need to see the rest of you in all your naked glory! Trust me… I know how you will feel to my touch. The smooth Italian skin. That irresistible face and sloe-doe eyes. Those full and sensuous lips parted just slightly, awaiting my next move. You are a bit on the soft side. Some flab and your muscles need some toning. It’s OK. I still find you one of the sexiest men around. And I remember when you were younger. When we were altar boys and Father DiAngelo would slip us some wine after mass and we’d go down to the reliquary in the basement! You were such a fine specimen. I think of those days all the time. Just give me one night as your personal trainer and I promise I’ll whip you back into shape. And there will be no need for any “safe” words.
If homosexuality is a choice, then please, Rick, choose it for just one night with me before you become too entrenched in your own misguided morality. I know what it’s like to be raised in a strict Catholic family. All I ask is you choose to give it a try. If you don’t like it, at least you’ll understand that it’s not a choice. But I have a feeling you will like it! I’ll understand if you’re a bit shy and awkward… some might say “stiff.” I’ll slip you a cocktail. A little LSD, a little E, a smidgen of roofie. All your inhibitions will disappear. I’d get you naked and tie your wrists and ankles to the bedposts with just enough slack to roll you over on your side. I bet you like it a little rough. Real man sex. So do I. We’re going to have a swell time. And I promise to do what you do and not use any protection! After all, “thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground,” but upon another person’s flesh seems to be OK, so I think on that point you’ll agree it’s not a sin!
Oh, all you right wing conservative evangelical Republicans, you are so damned HOT, you make me squirm! I want to sexually violate all of you! Especially you, Rick. I want to sexually violate you so bad it hurts! All I can say is… Hey Rick. Take a walk on the wild side! And the colored girls go “doo dedoo dedoo dedoo-dedoo, doo dedoo dedoo dedoo-dedoo….