I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks now. Every time I go to bed and close my eyes, I see bright lights through my eyelids. I say to myself, I must’ve left a light on. But when I open my eyes, it’s dark as pitch. So I close my eyes and again there are those bright lights, headlights shining into my overactive brain. And all my good friends know I can’t sleep with the lights on!
Last night I gave up and decided not to fight the light, but to give in to it, to meditate on it. As soon as I did that, Jesus appeared before me. I thought I was hallucinating. He was lean, handsome and ripped. Actually, he was quite a hunk. To prove it was indeed Him, I asked for a miracle. He obliged by transforming Himself into a gossamer being who kept morphing from a baby to a young stud to a wizened, old man, to an infant again, over and over; faster and faster, until he was a swirling ball of beatific light. I was stunned into a very viscerally exciting paralysis. He could have done anything he wanted to me and I would not have resisted.
He spoke. His voice was in THX 7.1 Dolby digital surround sound. “Do not be afraid. I have chosen you to be my Press Secretary so that you may bring a message concerning my Second Coming. You must tell the world what my Father desires, because those that call themselves the “Faithful” have not proven their faith to the Lord God.”
“Why me?” I asked.
“Because you’re an unapologetic hippie and I know hippies have always understood my message,” Jesus replied, his sub-woofer vibrating. “They ‘get’ me. They know where I’m coming from.”
He made it a point to say His message was meant only for Fundamentalist Christians whose faith is impenetrable and blind; for those who take every word of the Bible literally and who have absolutely no doubt about the Second Coming of Christ. This message is exclusively for the ears of those who await the Rapture:
“My Father is upset. He says those of you who consider yourselves among the most faithful of His flock have misunderstood His intentions. He has sent me to clarify a few misconceptions so you aren’t disappointed anymore when someone announces a date for the Rapture and it doesn’t arrive on time. My Father, Lord God, gave you free will, and you are to use it wisely. But he is annoyed that you merely follow like sheep and do not use this gift he gave you.
“My Father says He is not going to bring the Rapture to you like some servant and raise you en masse into the folds of his limitless love. No, he expects you to come to Him of your own free will. He expects you to bring the Rapture to Him by an exercise of this free will. And yes, the Rapture will be all you believe it will be. You will rise through the clouds into the land of milk and honey, heaven in its most glorious, with a band of angels to welcome you into His kingdom by singing songs that will be most joyous and blissful. But only if you come to Him of your own free will.
“Therefore, those of you who say you absolutely believe in God, Heaven, and the Rapture, must exercise your free will by immediately committing suicide, keeping in mind you may bring no physical harm to anyone else in the process. If you are truly a person who believes beyond a doubt in my Second Coming, which, under the circumstances, I am reconsidering, you will show your faith by killing yourselves before you finish reading this sentence. I will wait while you decide on the method. Here’s a little tune to get you in the mood.
Prepare yourself; you know it’s a must.
Gotta have a friend in Jesus (that’s Me!)
So you know that when you die
I’m gonna recommend you
to the spirit in the sky.
I’m gonna recommend you…
“Oh, I see a few people are already jumping from buildings. Now that’s what I call true Fundamentalist Christians. Hallelujah! Look! There’s one tying a cinderblock to her foot and jumping in the lake. Praise Me! But some of you who say you believe in the Rapture seem a bit hesitant. I don’t know why. I certainly can’t give you a recommendation if that’s the case! Both my Father and I are very disappointed. Why would you hesitate to be sitting at the right hand of God? Isn’t it what you want and for what you pray and why you speak in tongues? (By the way, I have to tell you, it’s all gibberish to both my Dad and me. So I suggest you cut it out as soon as possible!)
“For my next miracle, I shall shower my chosen ones with razor blades so they may slash their wrists, ropes with which to hang themselves, and high bridges from which to jump into eternity. C’mon now! I already explained that the Rapture is not going to come to you. You must come to the Rapture of your own free will. After all, it’s a win-win situation.
“If all of you who claim to be Fundamentalist Christians would just heed my words, you will experience the blissful warmth of His love, unending peace, and constant joy. Those who remain behind will be able to get on with their earthly lives without the interference of any God in their government, women will have control over their own bodies, contraception will once again be a useful practice, marriage will be for any two people in love, and perhaps those that don’t believe in the Rapture, but believe in my teachings will continue to show compassion and love to the less fortunate, share their riches so no one goes hungry or unsheltered, judge not lest ye be judged, and keep their noses out of other people’s bedrooms.
“Time’s up! If you haven’t killed yourself by now, it means you are of little faith and quite frankly, I don’t trust that you even believe in God at all. If you aren’t willing to bring the Rapture to Him by offing yourself, it must mean that you have doubts. Even the smallest doubt proves to me you do not believe in my Father. It means you question deep inside whether or not there is life after death. You are hedging your bets just in case there is nothing after this one short life… no Rapture, no heavenly hosts to wait on you, no eternal reward. If that’s the case, then I for one am most disappointed. I can only guess how my Father is feeling. If you do not kill yourself right now in return for a place in heaven, then my God, you are an Agnostic! And if you don’t commit suicide in the next few minutes, I dare say you may even be an Atheist!
“For the love of God, my Father in Heaven, all you Fundamentalist Christians who preach salvation, the Second Coming of Me, and the Rapture, would you please just kill yourselves and get it over with. The Rapture is yours for the taking as soon as you exert your free will to be with Him. And if you don’t do it right now, all I can tell my Father is, ‘Dad, Earth is filled with a bunch of Fundamentalist Christian hypocrites and they are all of little faith but a lot of hateful hot air. Sorry to bring you such depressing news.’”
May peace be upon you,
Your pal, Jesus (as transmitted by my Press Secretary, Phil Polizatto)